A Soul Searching Disconnectedness
Hi. My name is John and I struggle. I think some can read that and think, “Ha! Yeah right. You are a pastor, you have everything under control. You have a wife, a child and a ministry you love.” Or if nothing else they see as some corny throwback to an AA meeting I have never been to. Regardless. I am looking back and reflecting on the past year. I have had some high highs, and some low lows; there have been many changes, and yet some things have remained the same. There are things that I have learned and some that I am just beginning to learn. Through writing, I am seeking to wonder and wander through my thoughts. This, then leads me back to pride.
My pride gets the better of me many times. There are a few certain people that I wish would listen to my sermons. During my woe-is-me selfish times, I wonder aloud why they do not listen to them. And if they do, why is there not any feedback? And then, to top it off, I get to a point where I think that they think that what I am doing as a pastor is basically a hobby. You know those kind of thoughts: “Oh look at John…he’ll make something of himself one day.” And then there are those times when all I need is that approving smile, or “Good job, I am proud of you.” Yeah. Those scream through my head during those woe-is-me times too. These times provide a sampling of thoughts and emotions felt, and seek to demonstrate as an example of what’s running around up there. After all, I am certainly prideful and selfish in other ways.
At some point along the way however, thankfully, God reigns me back in. I realize that my pride has indeed gotten the better of me. I then come to realize the only thing I am interested in is my success. Will people like me? Do I bore them when I preach? Am I any good? When will I be popular and will people want to hear me preach? As I peel back the layers and take a long hard look, I come face to face with a severe reality: I am human. There is nothing that I can do to deserve God. By His grace, I must humbly receive the implanted word (James 1:21). Yet, I must also take into account what James says right before that: Therefore, ridding yourselves of all moral filth and evil excess, humbly receive… You see, I just preached on this passage this past Sunday, and I think I am just now getting the full effect of the sting. Because, as I look back and reflect on those questions and ponderings, I realize I have much longer to go. Let’s face it, pride is a moral filth and evil excess. In fact, Paul would tell me that pride (or greed) is really just idolatry (Colossians 3:5). The bottom line is, receiving the word is not just for salvation. The word needs to be received and applied by every believer everyday. Psalm 119:1-2, and 8 says: How happy are those whose way is blameless, who live according to the Lord’s instruction! Happy are those who keep His decrees and seek Him with all their heart… I will keep Your statutes; never abandon me.
So. As I look back at 2011, I am ready to shut the door on that year. It was a good year, a painful year, a growing year, a stressful year, a learning year, and a new beginnings year. I am in decent shape, I need to eat better, lose a little more weight. From the ups and downs to the downs and ups, and sometimes not knowing which way was up. Overall, it was a year never to be repeated. Thankfully. Onward to 2012.
But, where do these thoughts lead? Psalm 46:10 comes to mind. “Cease striving and know that I am God, I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted among the earth.” Eugene Peterson in his paraphrase, The Message, says it this way: “Step out of the traffic! Take a long, loving look at me, your High God, above politics, above everything.” This is where I need to start in 2012. Sometimes the traffic of life with its schedules, deadlines, meetings, and all the stuff get the best of me. Sometimes I forget to take a step out of the traffic and look longingly at the face of God. With His help, may I know afresh and anew what it means to savor Jesus.
As I look ahead to the year, the challenge of Psalm and James still rings in my head. But again, reading just a couple of verses more, James goes on to say: But be doers of the word and hearers only, deceiving yourselves. Because if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man looking at his own face in the mirror; for he looks at himself, goes away, and right away forgets what kind of man he was. But the one who looks intently into the perfect law of freedom and perseveres in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer who acts, this person will be blessed in what he does (James 1:22-25). As 2012 begins, I think this is also where I start: being a doer of the word by being a leader for my family. That seems random. Yet, this has been a progressive thought process in a journey of self discovery. I noted some thoughts on servanthood in a recent post. Then I preached through this James passage. I have also read a thought provoking post on another blog which also grabbed my attention. At least in my train of thought, that leap from the James passage to being a leader in my family was more of a side step.
There are two points of interest for me. One, when I say my family, I mean beyond my wife and child. I am talking about my parents, my siblings, and extended family. Point two, through this brief-thus-far journey of discovery to one more piece of my puzzle, I am realizing that true leaders, God led, God called leaders are servants. Combining these two together, I think I have a New Year’s Resolution so to speak: to be a servant leader to my family.
In reference to my wife and child, please note that I have not perfected being a servant leader for my wife or my child. Far from it. I fail everyday in that department. When put in context of Ephesians 5 and 6, I know beyond any doubt that I have long way to go. God is gracious and merciful and has continued to teach me, and I pray one day I will be proven a godly leader of my family. They, above anyone on earth, are my priority. With the Spirit’s help I pray I grow in being a leader, a shepherd to them…even it is just a little bit.
However, I have come to realize just how disconnected I am from my family (beyond my wife and child). This of course can be attributed to a bunch of selfish, man-made excuses of time and energy. But I do realize that I do not want to be disconnected. I want to be a godly leader and example to them as well. It’s not a matter of saying, “look at me,” but rather, showing them through my actions that I want to be there for them. What will that look like this year? Unknown. Perhaps, it means me helping my mother in law with an attitude of gratefulness rather than an attitude of obligation. Perhaps, it means being more of a participant in cleaning up the kitchen at my family’s house after dinner. Perhaps, it means just keeping in more constant contact with my family through texts, email, phone calls, etc. Whatever it means, and whatever it looks like, I know it involves being a servant.
These things are a good start. But I know it will not end there. I pray God would continue to show me ways to grow in my personal life and show me ways to be a better servant to my family(and church family), so that in turn, I can be a better leader for them. Thus, I pray I will savor Jesus, that I will wait on the Lord, that I will lead my wife and child on a godly path: the path they should go, and I pray that He would grow me into being the kind of servant leader that my family deserves.
In general, I reflect on Psalm 25:1-15. Thank you Pastor Al for showing me this passage at the beginning of this New Year. Lord, I turn to You. My God, I trust in You. Do not let me be disgraced; do not let my enemies gloat over me. No one who waits for You will be disgraced; those who act treacherously without cause will be disgraced. Make Your ways known to me, Lord; teach me Your paths. Guide me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; I wait for You all day long. Remember, Lord, Your compassion and Your faithful love, for they ⌊have existed⌋ from antiquity. Do not remember the sins of my youth or my acts of rebellion; in keeping with Your faithful love, remember me because of Your goodness, Lord. The Lord is good and upright; therefore He shows sinners the way. He leads the humble in what is right and teaches them His way. All the Lord’s ways ⌊show⌋ faithful love and truth to those who keep His covenant and decrees. Because of Your name, Yahweh, forgive my sin, for it is great. Who is the man who fears the Lord? He will show him the way he should choose. He will live a good life, and his descendants will inherit the land. The secret counsel of the Lord is for those who fear Him, and He reveals His covenant to them. My eyes are always on the Lord, for He will pull my feet out of the net.
